Cheers and cheers for Wednesday, September 28, 2022
Note: If you stand up and then squeeze your knees together it looks like you’ve extended a second set of glutes. I pay attention to these things. I am a noticer.
By the numbers:
Days until the start of Yom Kippur: 7
until the day 50th Annual balloon festival in the Albuquerque, New Mexico: 4
Increase in the original net price of the bottom 50% us Families since Joe Biden took office: 60%
Funding for Western Petition Systems to quickly and accurately verify signatures so that SQ 820, a ballot initiative in oklahoma That would legalize recreational marijuana, make it on the ballot this year: $300,000
The percent chance that Western petition systems have screwed things up so badly that the marijuana question won’t make it to the ballot this year: 100%
Percentage probability that arkansasThe Marijuana Question will do Be on the ballot Nov. 8, thanks to a state Supreme Court ruling: 100%
Number of votes in favor of same-sex marriage equality cuba1.9 million compared to: 3.9 million
mid-week Rapture Index: 186 (Including 4 “Wild Weather” events and 1 Cheating cross bearer). Sole Protection Factor 12 lotion is recommended if you’re walking among the ancients today.
Puppy Picture of the Day: umm…
cheers Today’s message from the Minister of Publicity of the Democratic Party. Since there is no Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda, I have decided to claim the title this week until I am stabbed to death in the bathtub by the next person who wants to be Democratic Party Minister of Propaganda more than I do. is So listen up all you leftist lemmings:
The House is voting by the largest margin today to approve the new, massive and wonderful Build Back Even Better bill, even as the Supreme Court is expanded by 20 members and all of our inflation and immigration problems disappear. The American people will rejoice and announce that President Joseph R. Biden deserves the Nobel Prizes in both peace and economics, along with three other terms. And God agrees!
Also all drought conditions The United States will — repeat, will do– can be brought to an immediate end by sudden tears streaming from the red, swollen eyes of Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Boebert, Matt Getz, Kevin McCarthy, and their cranium-cradled America Lasters. Greta Thunberg will declare a wonderful day for this planet.
Be a good American. Print copies of this in 100-point font and distribute for free.
JEERS For another lap around the Rebellion track…Denied. House Jan. 6 committee, which has already proven beyond doubt that 1) the coup was planned down to the last detail by Donald Trump and his domestic terrorist friends, and 2) Josh Hawley runs from danger like a deer with a mad cow. Yes, it was supposed to meet again today for a televised hearing. But it wasn’t because of this bad boy:
If you are anywhere near this animal, hunker down wisely. Then relax – I’ll take care of the rest. (I’m already ten pages in Hurricane Management for Dummies.)
JEERS Mankind’s greatest nightmare has been faced. At 6:45 yesterday morning my partner Michael climbed into the cockpit of our 2012 Honda Civic, as he always does when he goes to work, then inserted the key. But he could not turn the key because [insert automotive technobabble here]. He turned the steering wheel and pushed the little tab that would free the gear shifter… all to no avail. That was the key No going to turn So he had a co-worker give him a ride while I called AAA. The AAA mechanic took one look at it and said, “Oh, i will Turn it over!” So he climbed into the cockpit of our 2010 Honda Civic, dropped six cans of WD-40 into the key slot, and…
[This is the dramatic pause in our story designed to build suspense. You probably guessed by now, though, that he successfully turned the key and the car fired right up. Well hold on there, Buckaroo. Our story continues…]
…he couldn’t even find the key to turn it. So, since he easily reached a tow truck, he somehow hoisted and unloaded Old Blue’s 12-year-old body onto his flatbed. Police are now looking for him. And they swear that, once they find it, They will Get that tricky key to turn. If not, expect to wake up tomorrow morning with a 2010 Honda Civic in your driveway. You may be our only hope.
Brief prudence break
Eliminate brief prudence breaks
cheers For great inventions. 176 years ago this week, in 1846Boston dentist William Morton Ether was used as anesthesia for the first time. It worked really well. But he had Better Success the next day when he used it on a patient.
cheers to AmericaThe newest heroes of: Super Nerds!!! Another gold star goes to NASA, which has good reason to celebrate this week. They spent years building a spacecraft, testing it, perfecting it, launching it, monitoring it and, when the time was just right, completing its mission with precision. We should all breathe a sigh of relief knowing that the giant asteroid threatening the Google Dart web page has evaporated, and the Web Telescope caught it all on video:
I wish it could do this with ransomware.
Ten years ago in C&J: September 28, 2012
“Sweet Jesus!” For on-the-tarmac training. This is so stuck that I don’t even know where to start, but let me try. Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan took their campaign to Dayton, Ohio, where they held a rally at an airport. After Ryan spoke, Meet thanked him and the crowd chanted “Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!” started raising slogans. Here’s where it gets interesting: Mitt Romney then frantically stops chanting and, in an ego blast heard ’round the world, makes the crowd “Romney-Ryan!” Switch on! Instead.
Now, let me ask you: If Vice President Joe Biden has finished giving remarks, and the President has thanked him, and the crowd starts chanting Joe’s name, do you think Obama is so young? Will he kill the buzz and get everyone to add his name? , too? Would Bill Clinton have done it? Or Bob Dole or John McCain or St. Ronald or John Kerry or one of the George Bushes? Hardly. So, checking our toteboard, Mitt Romney is managing to make the following really bad: Republicans, millionaires, Mormons, and venture capitalists. Oh, and Romanies too.
And just one more…
JEERS Million-email army to attack. Buckle up—political fundraising will be cranked up to “11” the rest of the week. Yes, it’s the final days of the quarter and political candidates from every corner of the nook and cranny will turn you upside down and shake you until some loose change finally comes out of your pockets. Even during this holiday year, you’ll get a torrent of email appeals, each with an increasingly urgent subject line. As a public service, C&J offers you a preview of what you can expect if you don’t have your spam filter set to “nukular”:
Hey! Only 48 hours left to reach our goal!
Hey! Only 24 hours left to reach our goal!
Oh no! Only 18 hours left to reach our goal!
Help! Only minutes left to reach our goal!
We’re down to seconds now!
My campaign manager has chest pains. Give now!
now i am Chest pain! Fork it!
If I lose this race it’s your fault for not giving it!
A puddle of tears! All over!
If you don’t give in now I’ll club a baby seal, you stingy bastard! We hate you!!!
Sorry about that last subject line. But, we need your donations or we have to sell the Volvo campaign!
bags packed Led to ice flow. all is lost
We cannot feel our fingers. The polar bear ate them.
After Saturday’s headline: We did it! Thank you! We are going to win this thing! (Yes, I will cry—I love happy endings.)
Have a happy day. The floor is open…what are you kidding today?
Today’s Shameless C&J testimonial
Marcos Moulitzes and Greg Dworkin complain about being out of each other Cheers and cheers Kiddie Pool: ‘We’ve Earned It’
– the media