MARCH 1-0 MANCHESTER
Late last night, Elon Musk, the bored scoundrel with pockets deeper than the Gulf state and an ego to match, drove up to Old Trafford in his electric jalopy and started making donuts in the car park. Look at me, everyone, his actions seemed to be saying. Look at me, look at me, look at meeeeeeeee. But no one looked at him. They were all staring at the current Premier League table with glazed eyes [Glazered? – Fiver Ed] looks at their faces. So poor Elon had to go home and get their attention some other way. He did this while announcing on Popular Social Media Disgrace’s Twitter: “Welcome to Manchester United.” Yes, they will collect it! Everyone is watching now. Clever Elon, who made himself from scratch.
The tweet piqued everyone’s interest, all right. The singular business genius saw his last big move – buying PSMDT himself – go spectacularly south, and he still dreams of colonizing Mars. In truth, however, we have reached the point where a consortium led by Walter Mitty, Donald Trump and the former Debenhams board would be seen as an improvement on the Glazers, so many exasperated United fans have embraced the idea. Sadly, a few hours of excited tweeting later, those poor supporters got their hopes up when Musk admitted that it was only one of his comical gambits, some long-running internet riff, although he did explain that United were his “fav team as a kid”, for what it’s worth. Final score: Mars one, Manchester eff-all.
Musk wasn’t the only bored driver who spent his evenings wandering along the information highway. Cristiano Ronaldo was also glued to his phone, asking for an Instagram post linking him to Atlético Madrid, then pasting one of his own, in which he promised to reveal “the truth” about his future soon. “The media is telling lies,” he said, pointing to a notebook he apparently uses to record news stories about him. “In the last few months of the 100 … only five were correct. Imagine what it’s like. Follow that tip.” And so again, Manchester United fans are increasingly waiting for developments with bated breath. While United are desperately trying to sign Christian Pulisic on loan from Chelsea, it is known everyone already deeply how things will turn out.
STATEMENT OF THE DAY
“It’s a shame from a sporting point of view because both players would have played a role in the game. But it is a shame from a personal point of view that these two are missing out on this great experience” – Viborg sporting director Jesper Fredberg confirms that two of his players, Ibrahim Said and Alassana Jatta, will not be involved in their European ties in against West Ham due to post-Brexit immigration rules.
Football Weekly is here! Join us as they talk about Liverpool’s Junior League debut, the latest from Greenland and Jonathan Wilson’s new book on the Charlton brothers. Listen in here, or wherever you get your pods.
“Can we expect a reduction in Newcastle fans using Twitter after Salma al-Shehab’s 34-year prison sentence for following and retweeting Saudi dissidents and activists? Either way, football will continue to lead golf and push its head up on the cash cow” – John Stainton.
“Does anyone think that Mike Riley and Anthony Taylor’s lack of sympathy for Marc Cucurella on Sunday might have been due to hair envy on their part? I should add that as a Spurs fan with a trivial challenge I thought their decision to take no action was spot on” – Avi Chaudhuri.
“The Stop Football campaign is alive and kicking in Bucharest, judging by the graffiti I found this morning” – Ian Fail.
“After Darwin Núñez’s red card, could I suggest that the lad just needs some time to develop into a Premier League footballer? It’s just a theory” – Alastair McGillivray.
Send your letters to [email protected] And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. The winner of our lucky letter today is … John Stainton.
NEWS, YEAST AND BOBS
Cristiano Ronaldo has been warned by police over footage which showed the Manchester United forward knocking a phone out of the hand of an Everton fan at a game last season. “We can confirm that a 37-year-old man voluntarily attended and was interviewed under caution in relation to an allegation of assault and criminal damage,” said a statement from Merseyside Police. “The matter was dealt with by way of a conditional warning [and] finished now.”
England head coach Sarina Wiegman and striker Beth Mead have been shortlisted for the best Uefa awards. Wiegman has been nominated for women’s coach of the year, along with Germany’s Martina Voss-Tecklenburg and Lyon’s Sonia Bompastor. Mead is up for the women’s player of the year award, along with German midfielder Lena Oberdorf and Spain’s Alexia Putellas.
Joe Blott, the first chairman of Liverpool’s newly formed Supporters’ Board, will mark a “new era of engagement” between the club and its fans. There will be 16 representatives on the new board and they will work closely with club officials.
Marc Cucurella has no hard feelings towards Cristian Romero for the hair-pulling that preceded Tottenham’s equalizer on Sunday. “I have no problem with it – it’s just action in the game,” maintained Cucurella, before confirming that he has no plans to shave off his trademark locks. “No, never: this is my style.”
Fiver Transfer Time Ticker! West Ham continued a busy summer with the £10.1m signing of Thilo Kehrer. “This is the best series in the world!” she praised the former PSG striker …
… as Newcastle prepare to increase their £20m bid for Watford forward João Pedro. The Magpies are also keen on Christian Pulisic, while Ben Brereton Díaz has three seaside locations to choose from with Nice, Bournemouth and Everton all interested in the half-Chilean hot shot.
Queen’s Celtic will go straight into the Grand Cup group stage this season and their captain, Callum McGregor, is hoping to catch the biggest fish of all. “The one that the fans like the most is Real Madrid,” McGregor suggested.
And Brazil head coach Tite may want to rethink that weekend break in Baku after hitting back at Kylian Mbappé’s claim that World Cup qualification is tougher for European teams. play. We don’t have anyone who gives you a break,” said Tite.
STILL ABOUT MORE?
“It’s really heartwarming” – Ella Braidwood talks to Manchester United’s Aoife Mannion, among others, about the growing interest of girls across the UK in the grassroots game.
Sikh winger Dilan Markanday is a symbol of Blackburn’s pioneering approach to inclusion which has seen Eid prayers on the pitch and halal food on joint courses, writes Ben Fisher.
Rodrigo is starting to hit it off for Leeds and that can only be good news for Jesse Marsch. Ben McAleer reports.
Is Antoine Griezmann joining crisis club Manchester United? Anything is possible in the Wednesday Rumor Mill.
If you’ve often sat and thought about the clubs named after mythological gods and heroes, this week’s The Knowledge is essential reading.
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